Tijuana Strip Clubs: Watermelon helmets at the ready
Check for pulse. Establish co-ordinates. Pull carpet lint from face. Remove foreign objects from front of pants. Go Roughies. Check for stripper bruises. Gauze and ointment if required. Remember name. Remember Helix’s name — Donald — just in case cops are here and there’s no carpeting, only concrete. Check contents of Grey Cup Week fun bag. On second thought, do not check contents of Grey Cup Week fun bag. Instead, empty innards of watermelon helmet. Pick bits of orange streamers and celery from hair. Go Roughies.
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Vomit. Then breakfast: cracker smeared with guts of peanut butter cup. Vomit again. More breakfast: glass of vodka sugared with handful of Malteasers. Ah, that’s better. Check face in mirror. Remove lipstick and remains of late-night donair. Run shower. Take shower. Go Roughies. Find Jimmy Half-An-Ear. Check hallway. Check closet. Check baggage lock-up in hotel lobby. Check courtyard outside hotel lobby. Check tree in front of Max’s Gentleman’s Club. Check prison. Check the hotel room of the w …